BROTHERLY ADVICE
Practical Advice From Kane & The Undertaker

Each month, The Wrestling Industry Times invites its readers to ask brothers and former WWE Champions Kane and The Undertaker any question that's on their minds. The half-brothers will share their unique insights into your problems.

Dear Kane & Taker:

My parents moved recently because my dad got a better job, and now I'm in a completely new city. I just started going to this high school, and I can't seem to fit in with anyone. What's worse, they all pick on me because I grew up in a small town and I have kind of an accent. Anyways, I've basically had it up to here with it, and on several occasions I've even thought about shooting up the school like I saw those other kids do in Columbine. I know you guys probably had some rough experiences growing up, and so I'd like to know how you dealt with it.

Stressed In Suburbia

UNDERTAKER: Yes, I sense the anger, the sorrow, welling within you, Stressed In Suburbia. As a young spirit, raised in the unforgiving wastelands of Death Valley, my soul was ravaged endlessly by the Darknyss, and I too felt a great weakness. But had I allowed this weakness to overtake me, I would not be the creature of power you seek thy advice from. Your circumstances have rendered you vulnerable to the Darknyss, and this power can either complete you or destroy you. The spirits beckon to me, warning me of your true potential, and so I advise you to fortify your willpower, and prepare for the inner turmoil that shall engulf your very soul for the next several years. If you can stem these tides, I forsee a grand destiny. If you fail, you shall be as nothing.

KANE: I think what my brother's trying to say, is that being a young person in a new school is tough. Trust me, I know how rough it is trying to get by in a new place. I was born in Madrid, Spain, and my dad was in the military, so I had to move around a lot too. Sure, the kids would pick on me, I was literally a big easy target, but I found that by channeling my aggressions on the basketball court, I could find a healthy way to release that tension, bolster my own self-esteem, and as a result gain a true and valued acceptance from my peers. I also got the opportunity to play basketball in college, which helped fund my degree in English. So you see, by finding healthy outlets for this aggression you're feeling, you can also help build your future.

UNDERTAKER: Strange that I, your half-brother, recall not these events...

KANE: Yeah, that's the strange part. Moving right along...

Dear Kane & Taker:

I hope this isn't too weird a question. See, I was in the shower yesterday, and while I was washing my stomach, I felt an itch. I scratched it, and a few minutes later the skin got all covered in weird raised bumps, sort of like boils but with no liquid in them. Plus other parts of my skin started to itch, and the same thing would happen if I scratched. What could be causing this?

Ichin' In Wichita

UNDERTAKER: Take heed, Itchin' In Wichita, for these are the signs of a dark and powerful curse. If you have made any enemies in the past few weeks, especially those known to dabble in witchcraft, I highly suggest you seek them out and, armed with a consecrated blade and some holy water...

KANE: OK, just stop, please. Itchin', you've got what are called hives, it's probably an allergic reaction to something you ate, or possibly just stress. See a doctor, they can do a simple allergy test and see if that's what's causing it. If not, you can see a dermatologist.

UNDERTAKER: You dare to undermine the clairvoyance afforded our bloodline by The Darknyss? It's no small wonder why the spirits beseeched me to trap you in that fire with our parents.

KANE: Tell you what... IF, after he sees a doctor and a specialist, and tries out the medication, which I KNOW will work because it's how I found out I was allergic to shellfish, then he can try the knife-and-water thing. Happy now?

UNDERTAKER: I have not known the touch of happiness for many eons.

KANE: Yes, well, welcome to the WWE. What's the next question?

Dear Kane & Taker:

The other day I was eating some popcorn and I bit down really hard on one of the kernels. My tooth broke in half (which really hurt!). My dad told me that if I put the tooth in a glass of milk I can have it put back in by a dentist. Is this true?

Broken Tooth In Tulsa

UNDERTAKER: I know not of such matters, however since my esteemed half-brother used to be a dentist, his insights may prove more useful than mine.

KANE: No. No I wasn't. Google it, Broken Tooth.

UNDERTAKER: Hold thy tongue, deceitful one! Certainly, the trauma of burning nearly to death in a fire of my creation, and living your childhood in a mental asylum under the deceitful gaze of Paul Bearer, has caused you to block this memory! For indeed, you repaired Jerry Lawler's teeth! You know, Dr. Issa...

KANE: You want to talk about forgetful? How about the fact that you forgot I told you to never bring that up again! Christ, man, not everyone got handed their permanent gimmick in the 90's! Whatever, I'm out of here. See you next month.

Do YOU want advice from Kane & The Undertaker? Send your letter to:
twit@zmannzilla.com
(Subject Line: Brotherly Advice)

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