Volume 1, Number 3 - October 19, 2006 - By Z. Mann Zilla
KELLY'S NIPPLES SHAPED LIKE SWASTIKAS
FROM TWIT HOME OFFICE -- Kelly "Kelly Kelly" Kelly, ECW Vixen and self-proclaimed exhibitionist, finally revealed to her fans why, despite several ample opportunties to expose her breasts to the world, she has failed to deliver. The former Miss Heineken revealed in a tearful interview with TWIT staff that, due to a strange and rare medical condition, each of her nipples resembles a small, red swastika.
"I feel so incomplete," says Kelly, "I mean here I am, this hot blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl, whose desire to strip nude in public is as strong as the fans' desire to see me do it. But if I do, they'll all think I'm an Aryan Jew-hater, which I so totally am not." Kelly is very quick to point out that she is not a racist, and would be just as thrilled to be seen naked by Jews as any other race, if she could.
Kelly's medical condition is known as areola dysforma, or what doctors call Freakishly Ugly Nipples (FUN). Often, the disfigurement of the nipple twists it into a spiraling shape, so the resulting twist causing a swastika-like formation is not uncommon in many cases. Kelly, 19, contracted FUN while she was going through puberty three years ago. The disorder (despite its catchy yet unfortunate acronym) has caused the former Miss Hawaiian Tropic competitor no small amount of grief.
Kelly Kelly is the star of "Kelly's Expose", a portion of the ECW television show on The Sci-Fi Channel devoted to her penchant for public undress. However, these segments were trademark for featuring awkward dancing, constant interruptions from her "boyfriend" (played by Snitsky impersonator Mike Knox), and an ultimate failure to commit the one simple act everyone wanted to see Kelly do, including Kelly herself - get completely naked.
Now, as a result of this interview, the wrestling world knows why. "I wanted to do it, oh God how I wanted it soooo bad," said the former Miss Daisy Duke while running her fingers through her long, luxurious blonde hair, "I have the most terrific 34C [breasts] you've ever seen, except for the little symbols of hate at the tip, and I have a burning desire to just jiggle them around, in front of a big screaming crowd of people. But [WWE Corporate] says that if I do that, I'll be violating the company's Sensitivity Policy. I can flash my [bosoms], I just can't have FUN while I do it."
The WWE Sensitivity Policy was put into place shortly after John "Bradshaw" Layfield died mysteriously in his hotel room after making a "Heil Hitler" sign and goose-stepping in front of a German crowd. It has a watch-list for certain symbols and behaviors associated with hate groups. One of these symbols is a swastika, a four-spoked "walking cross" symbol sacred to Hindus and Buddhists, but known almost exclusively in the post-World War 2 era as a symbol of Nazism. The Sensitivity Policy states that the use of the swastika is punishable with fines and suspension, a punishment which Kelly feels is not worth the fufillment of her fantasies, or the joint fantasies of the ECW viewing audience.
"I just know people tune in, week after week, waiting patiently through all the boring wrestling matches, just to get a glimpse of what I'm more than willing to offer," the former Miss July 2006 Bourbon Street Calendar Girl said, "I just don't want to be associated with people who want to kill Jews and homosexuals. I am a sexy blonde addicted to public displays of nudity, not a racist or a bigot. I promise, once doctors find a cure for FUN, I'll be right out there, shining my headlights for the whole world to see... It'll be an all-Kelly Kelly episode of ECW once the FUN is over!"