KIRCHNER, JBL INTERNET RUMORS TRACED BACK TO TOMMY FLANAGAN
SAYS HIS CLAIMS CAN BE VERIFIED BY HIS WIFE, MORGAN FAIRCHILD

NEW YORK, NY- Several wrestling news publications recently reported the source, who revealed that Corporal Kirchner was dead, and that John "Bradshaw" Layfield was quitting Smackdown. These shocking news stories originated from the computer of former "Saturday Night Live" guest Tommy Flanagan, who claims to have heard the news firsthand while "hanging out backstage, yeah, with my good friend, uh, Vince McMahon, yeah."

The news of Kirchner's death and JBL's resignation rocked the world of professional wrestling, and was covered by every major news syndicate involved in the sport, including ProWrestling.com, PWInsider.com, Angry Marks, and The Wrestling Industry Times. They all ran the story immediately upon receiving it from Flanagan, having no reason to doubt his integrity or connections within the business. "We receive hundreds of news items from him," says PWTorch.com staffer Chris MacCormick, "And since he's such close personal friends with the McMahon family and Jim Cornette, plus he told us about his time training in Stu Hart's Dungeon, so we know he's always got the inside scoop. The policy is to run with any story he reports, and let the facts speak for themselves."

TWIT staff contacted Flanagan on his cell phone while he was in Paris, getting ready for a night on the town with his wife, actress and 80's sex symbol Morgan Fairchild. When asked about his fact-finding methods, he replied that he's the best in the industry, saying "I won a Pulitzer Prize, yeah, twelve, no, seventeen of them, yeah, all in one year, and I got 'em all for being a wrestling reporter, yeah."

"That's the ticket," he added.

The family of former WWF grappler Corporal Kirchner was contacted for an interview via telephone, however his daughter asked if we could "call back later, we're having a hard time keeping Daddy in the coffin." A follow-up interview with the family revealed that the deceased Kirchner's corpse put up a struggle, an act which magnified the grief and suffering Kirchner's family experienced during the funeral.

"His dead body just kept screaming and saying 'I feel fine, I think I'll go for a walk', but as badly as we wanted to believe that, we knew it was just something we were going to have to deal with," says Kirchner's greiving widow. "Tommy Flanagan has a doctorate in every known medical science, plus he's personal friends with the President and Darth Vader, I just don't think he'd make up something like my husband's death."

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