OUR LORD AND SAVIOR ON "AMERICAN IDOL" "Next please" A man walks into the audition hall and takes his place on the T. He looks up. Facing him tribunal-style, are Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell. Facing them is a man with shoulder-length hair, a full beard, and what appears to be a toga. Simon scratches his temple and looks at the man, bored. "A bit behind the times fashion-wise, aren't we?" Paula looks at her paperwork. "OK, your name is... Jesus Christ?" "Yes, that's me," says the man. "And it says here that you work as a 'savior to mankind'," Paula says, "Tell us a little about that." Jesus scratches under his chin and says, "Well, it's mostly paperwork nowadays. Back when I first started, I worked a lot closer with people. That's what I like to do; I like working with people." Randay says, "Well, this is a people business, so that's good. What are you going to sing for us today?" "I thought I'd sing 'Sweetest Taboo' by Sade." says Jesus. Simon cocks his head to the side and says, "Bold choice. Let's hear it." And so it was that Jesus Christ sang Sade's 'Sweetest Taboo'. His voice echoed sweetly, he mastered every key, and even his runs were full of emotion and vibrance. Paula was visibly impressed with his eyes, which seemed focused directly on her. No doubt about it; he connected well with the audience. After he finished the chorus, he looked at the panel expectantly. Paula and Randy seemed afraid to say anything. They turned to Simon, the man whose frank crudeness could be stopped by no barrier. Simon inhaled a deep sigh and looked at Jesus. "Well, you have a great voice. I won't lie to you. But let's face it... You're 2000 years old and you dress in a toga. We're looking for someone who can be a role model. You can't be a role model dressed like that." Jesus seemed shocked. "But... Don't music listeners like to hear good music?" "It's the packaging, not the product," continued Simon, "Trust me, I've been in this industry for over 20 years. You just don't have what it takes. Paula?" Paula smiled politely. "Well... Simon's right, your voice is great, and I loved your presentation. But... *sigh* Not to be rude, but you are a little old..." "If I could just jump in," Randy said, "If you could do something about your clothing at least, then maybe you'd have a shot. Just not as a teen idol. I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Simon. You're just not American Idol material." Jesus looked visibly annoyed. "You people don't know shit," he said, "You're throwing away some serious talent here, I hope you know that." Simon smirked. "I've got 20 years of experience in the music industry backing me up. What have you got? Nothing. Now, I'm sure you'll find great success in some other field, but in this industry, you haven't got a prayer. Thank you. Next please." Jesus frowned at Simon once more before leaving. On the way out, Ryan Seacrest caught up with Jesus. "So, how'd it go in there? Can I get a few words for you?" Jesus looked into the camera. "Simon, you can kiss my ass," said Jesus. "You can go to hell." On a side note, several years later, due to what Department Of Heaven records only described as a "missing paperwork incident", Simon Cowell was accidentally sent to Hell, and forced to share a cell with Wesley Willis and Bob Dylan. Meanwhile, Jesus Christ went on to underground success in the music industry, with seven albums. Only one made gold, but it was enough for him. His best known song, "Simon The Bitch", made it onto the Top 20 for 2 weeks, before being beaten out by Justin Timberlake's "Girl, I'll Buy You A Veggie Whopper", off of his album "Pepsi Presents Justin Timberlake". American Idol was won by Amy Barlovitz from Detroit, Michigan, who was later forced to change her name to Amy Reebok. Where was I in all of this? Who cares. All I know is that I miss Simon. He was a great judge, who simply bit off more than he could chew, with one badly dressed contestant. Good luck, Simon. Someday, they'll find your paperwork. |