THINGS I'M SICK OF
Yeah, I'm crankly, got a problem with
it? No? Good. Because if you did, you'd be on my List Of Things I'm
Sick Of. This list will be updated every time I think of something else
I'm sick of, and if you like to see people kvetch, well, this is the
page for you! If you also have your own page of wacky whining, I'll
put a link to it from here, just drop me a line... OK, now on to the
list...
CAPS-LOCK MORONS
I refuse to believe that there are people who have spent longer than
thirty minutes on the Internet, and yet still think TYPING LIKE THIS
DOESN'T MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE A TOTAL CRETIN. Folks, it's actually acceptable
to type in all-lower case if switching cases makes you itchy. In fact,
you could type in all lower case, with no punctuation to speak of, and
misspell every other word, and you'll still look like Benoit Mandelbrot
compared to ANYONE WHO INSISTS ON TYPING LIKE THEY'RE YELLING. You'll
notice throughout this list, I type certain things in all-caps. That's
because IF THEY WERE SPOKEN, I'D BE SHOUTING THEM!!!
PEOPLE OVER 30 BITCHING
ABOUT MTV
You'll see this one on a lot of other "things that need to die"
pages on other people's websites - knuckleheads that whine about how
MTV doesn't show videos, only shows crap, hasn't shown anything worth
watching since blah blah blah, and then you see a profile of the person
making the complaint - receding hairline, been out of college for years,
makes comfortable references to 80's cartoons. Hey, doofus... MTV wouldn't
exactly be cool if they catered to YOU, now, would it? It's a new century,
there's 300 channels of everything from soup (The Food Network) to nuts
(FOX News), so why subject yourself to the same stuff being watched
by a demographic who is actively looking for ways to raise your blood
pressure? YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR MTV, GET OVER IT. If anything, you should
be whining about VH1. Speaking of which...
VH1'S NEW 24-HOUR "I
LOVE NOSTALGIA" FORMAT
I remember fondly back when VH1 was all Phil Collins, Michael Bolton
and ZZ Top, with the occasional documentary to keep things interesting.
Now, it's 24 hours of snarky homosexuals, third-string comedians, Rubix
cubes and Michael Ian Black. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it
actually makes me miss Michael Bolton.
MYSPACE
I remember once, when I thought MySpace was a neat idea. Then, I got
a MySpace page, and kissed my love of the Internet goodbye. Every other
Friend Request is either some fakey broad trying to get you to a porn
site, some band you've never heard of, or someone who refuses to give
you a clue as to who they are in real life, yet expects you to blindly
add them. Then, there's the people who litter their pages with useless
Flash gadgets, songs and videos you're only gonna mute the second they
give you the option, and surveys, surveys, SURVEYS. Yeah, like the heavy
server traffic and banner advertisements aren't boogering up the works
enough. The worst part is, now I actually NEED a MySpace page, because
I have clients who think MySpace means they never have to send another
e-mail ever again. Instead, they send me a MySpace message, which then
sends ME an automated e-mail, letting me know that someone sent a message.
Then, I have to log in, wait the two minutes it takes for the dang page
to load, click "New Messages", wait another minute, get an
"Error" page, log in again, click "Inbox", wait
another few minutes, listen to some annoying fly-buzzing sound from
a banner ad, then finally open the message, which is usually "yo
did u get tha thng i sent u 4 upd8 pleezzzz make sur u do it".
Which reminds me...
1337-SP33K
Okay, I get it. The number 3 kinda looks like a backwards E. Now knock
it off, Acid Burn. Sometimes, leetspeak makes practical sense, like
with the word "L8R" -- it's "later" but with two
less characters. I can save .31027 seconds telling someone when I'll
see them next. Plus, it's handy when trying to come up with passwords,
because the letter/number switch can make even the most banal of codes
seem exotic. However, I've seen words in leetspeak that actually require
MORE keystrokes than the word they're trying to spell. At this point,
young Jedi, you're just wanking. I understand, it's this generation's
version of Pig Latin, but guess what... Pig Latin was stupid too. It
was more effort than was necessary to communicate useless trivial bullshit.
You know, like almost everything when you still live with your parents.
PEOPLE WHO REPLACE WIT
AND HUMOR WITH "GAY" AND "RETARD"
Look, I'm no prude. I just expect jokes to be funny based on their own
merits. You know, comical situations, clever turns of phrase, that sort
of thing. If the whole reason something's supposed to be funny is because
you're comparing it to homosexuality, just give up and go home. You
aren't a humorist, you're a thinly-veiled bigot with a writer's block.
The same thing goes with comparing things to the mentally handicapped
- Yeah, I bet it was really tough, connecting the dots between a special-needs
kid and people who fail to understand something you think is common
sense. Too bad five bazillion wanna-be comics already went there before
you, and tapped that well dry. The worst part about this phenomena,
is when authentically funny people feel they need to resort to this
garbage. I'm a big fan of Seanbaby.com,
and I think his stuff is hilarious. But man, sometimes he can really
lay it on thick with the "gay-tarded" stuff. I feel dirty
for reading it.
LINUX/UNIX SNOBS
If you're letting your computer's operating system define your personality,
then you deserved every wedgie you got yesterday. I haven't paid a dime
for computer equipment since 1996, because I build every computer I
own from parts I scavenge - THAT'S why I don't know Linux, jaggov. If
I found a hard drive with Linux in it, I'd have learned it by now. If
you want to buy me a copy of Linux and a computer to run it on, and
educate me yourself in its use, then fine, I'll be more than happy to
switch. Until then, let me enjoy my ability to hack recycled parts together
into a working computer.
PEOPLE WHO BUY THINGS FROM
TELEMARKETERS, JUNK MAIL AND SPAM
Oh, I'm way past being mad at spammers. Let's face it: they wouldn't
still be doing it, if it wasn't for a significant number of brain donors
who actually respond to them. It was bad enough when it was just easy-to-spot
nonsense like penis enlargement creams and teen porn. Now I'm getting
stock tips and requests from Africans to receive gross amounts of money.
And the reason I get these, is because somewhere in America, someone
else is responding to them. Let's find these people and educate them,
either with a seminar or a sledgehammer, whichever one is more cost-effective.
RACIAL AND SEXUAL DOUBLE
STANDARDS
I don't even WANT to use the "N-word", okay? However, the
word exists, and I have met a few dark-skinned folks, who just happened
to be of the under-educated and poorly behaved persuasion fitting the
definition of the word, and who called EACH OTHER that word before I
even had a chance to think it. And, insult to injury, those night-shaded
nincompoops called me a "cracker"... which is stupid because
I'm Jewish and, technically, black people kept us as slaves in Egypt
once upon a time. If we are to follow the proper terms of etymology,
I should be allowed to call black people "crackers". Please
explain why slurs against Caucasoids can go unchallenged even on national
television, but drop one "N"-bomb and it's lawsuit city? And
for bonus points, please make sure your explanation doesn't fit the
definition of "seperate but equal". Remember - our true goal
is equality for all! Same goes for all the women out there who want
to sue the male gender into equality in the workplace - actually, this
isn't going to happen, because men don't get maternity leave if they
have a baby on the way. OK, any women who just read the last couple
of sentences, and got really really ticked off, capture that thought...
It's exactly how I feel every time I have to go above and beyond the
call of self-control because you have a knee-jerk reaction to anyone
disagreeing with your unreasonable demands. Yes, I agree you shouldn't
have to be degraded or sexually harassed in the workplace... Because
I shouldn't be degraded or sexually harassed in the workplace either.
You also deserve equal pay for equal work... Because I deserve equal
pay for equal work. THIS IS WHAT EQUALITY LOOKS LIKE. If your expectations
don't go both ways, then you're asking for special treatment, pure and
simple. And don't give me that whole schpiel about how, historically,
it's been a certain way, so white men have it coming. Again, use the
equality equation: if it was wrong when white men did something to you,
then it is also wrong when you do it to the white man. ESPECIALLY if
you do it to white men who didn't do it to you.
PEOPLE WHO HIDE BEHIND
THE FIRST AMENDMENT. . . INSTEAD OF A REASON
Why is Howard Stern the champion of free speech? Why can't we, as Americans,
find some better examples of free speech than a farts-and-hookers aficionado?
Yes, fine, so you have the right to pollute the airwaves with your pointless
pornstar interviews and jokes about bodily functions. So what's your
point? If the only way you can defend your actions is by thumping your
chest and saying you have a right to do it, then re-examine your life
- you're probably a waste of organs.
TRUTH DOT COM'S "WHATHEFXUP"
NONSENSE
I'm only using these goobers as an example. I'm actually sick of all
career protestors, who seem oblivious to the fact that protesting an
educated choice based on free will is a waste of precious life. Trying
to convince me that cigarette companies lie about the dangers of their
product, when they put a warning on EVERY PACK, is ridiculous. So RJR
refers to cancer as "Zephyr" in their so-called secret documents?
Then why do they write words like "cancer" and "emphezema"
on the side of the darn carton, smart-ass? Sounds kinda counter-productive
to me. Oh, and by the way... Tobacco is one of the few products we actually
make in this country, and the tobacco industry is responsible for as
many jobs as have been lost by Americans in the past couple of years.
Do you have a job-relocation solution for these folks? Oh, wait, you
probably didn't think that far ahead. You're too busy protesting against
people with a habit you disapprove of. And the reason there's no help
for people addicted to jogging and/or M&M's, is because those idiots
are beyond help.
PROTESTORS AT MILITARY
FUNERALS
Way to go, jerk-wads. Now nobody's gonna take an anti-anything protest
seriously for quite some time. You can't argue the sanctity of ANYTHING
if you're willing to mess with one of humanity's most sacred rituals
- the burying of a loved one. I actually suspect that these protestors
may in fact be straw men - mock protestors trying to discredit the actual
protests of actual people. Well, suspect isn't the right word -- I PRAY
these are fake protestors.
POLYGAMISTS AND POLYAMORISTS
I was on the fence with this one for a while, but recently I've decided
that these lifestyles tick me off. First off, there's polygamy - marrying
more than one person. I didn't really care either way about this one,
until that Warren
Jeffs creep was on the news every thirty-seven seconds.
That's when I realized, people who want to marry multiple persons are
just asking permission from God to be lecherous. Marriage is a really
great idea, because aside from the legal and social benefits that gay
folks are fighting to attain, there's no better way to let that special
someone know that they are, indeed, SPECIAL to you. How does your main
squeeze know she's the only one for you? Well, because you can only
marry one person, and you chose her. Bingo! Now try that explanation
with a polygamist -- not so much. Yeah, he married you, but he also
married like six other women. How's he gonna prove you're special now,
huh? Then there's polyamory, something which has become trendy amongst
the nerds-over-21 set. It's like polygamy, but worse -- there's no concept
of marriage or commitment within it anywhere. Swingers have more sense
of commitment than polyamorists, and they engage in ORGANIZED ADULTERY.
I think it's significant to note that I've met most of the polyamorists
I know either through online games or at sci-fi conventions, so I suspect
this trend has more to do with "making up for lost time" than
it does with "responsible and well-thought-out decision making".
I can't imagine how ANYONE comes to the conclusion that polyamory is
anything more than whoredom with a fancy name. It's like they've never
heard of "venereal disease", or "The Maury Povich Show"
before. The part that pisses me off the most: the idea that people who
engage in a self-indulgent lifestyle based on blindly following their
body's F'd-up chemistry, often have the nerve to defend themselves by
saying "many people just aren't mature enough to understand polyamory".
What??? Since when is being led by your genitals into a life of sexual
depravity and empty, convenient relationships considered "mature"?
Go ahead and mock all you want, sluts... At least I can still enjoy
normal, risk-free monogamous sex.
LIBERTARIANS
Dammit, go away! All you do is make it so that the Republican Party
can stop being Republican. I am a big fan of fiscal responsibility,
small government, and state's rights - the exact things the Republican
Party used to stand for. Then, Nixon had to jump in and pork it deep
for the rest of us. Now, if you believe in these things, you're a third
party - something that hasn't gotten more than 4% of the popular vote
in over a century. I know it isn't the Libertarian's fault that this
happened, but by jumping ship and forming a different party, you've
aided the marginalization of these values.
PEOPLE WHO THINK I NEED
TO STOP BEING CRABBY AT WORK
I think it's important to note, first of all, that I am not crabby with
each and every single client. However, if I am crabby with a client,
there's typically a good reason. For starters, I take pride in being
one of this area's lowest-paid graphic designers, because since I have
a detatchment from the need for physical posessions, I can pass the
savings on to my client. That being said, I feel that the reduced cost
entitles me to some liberties. And if the client disagrees, they are
welcome to pay someone else a lot more than what I'm asking for. Also,
I'm very reasonable; as long as the client makes it clear what they
are hoping to achieve with my services, doesn't try and change things
on me mid-project, and understands that I'm not doing their project
as some sort of weird self-loathing hobby, then I'm a total peach. However,
the clients that don't give me clear instructions and expect me to re-do
a job three times for the same amount of money, well... Funny how many
of THEM seem to have a problem with my attitude. Finally, have we really
reached a point in society where skills and abilities can be offset
by a worker's willingness to smooch some booty? Are employers so insecure
that they have to demand people actually PRETEND LIKE THEY DON'T HAVE
THINGS THEY'D RATHER BE DOING THAN GOING TO WORK? This is unreasonable.
I'm glad I hate money.
PEOPLE WHO HATE MUSICIANS
FOR NON-MUSICAL REASONS
This is specifically aimed at people who hate on Matisyahu, and his
so-called "gimmick". Okay, let me explain something to the
dunces who haven't quite grasped what a "gimmick" is. Gwar
is a gimmick. Gorillaz is a gimmick. Matisyahu, on the other hand, is
ACTUALLY a Hasidic Jewish person who just happens to sing reggae. Yeah,
so it helps him sell a few more albums, so what? Dude can flow. Get
over it. Personally, I like his music, and could care less what he dresses
like. I also consider it bad form to talk about how a performance artist
"sucks" based on their fan base, their chosen genre of music,
or their personal beliefs. Look, when you can actually pick up an instrument
and enthrall tens of thousands of people with your abilities, maybe
I'll buy into your theories about someone's suckitude. Until then, zip
it. In a world where Wesley Willis could have a music career, we have
no excuse for denying that, despite Christine Aguilera's bubbleheaded
tendencies and under-educated fanbase, she can actually sing and dance
better than many people I know. And I say this, despite the fact that
I do not enjoy her music in the slightest.
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